The Bunk Theory

Newton derived his laws when the apple from that damned tree fell on his head. Einstein established the relation between mass and energy after wasting a hoard of his precious time inside his laboratory (Alas! If only he had a girlfriend). I came up with my theory while hiding from the Thokar, our disciplinary in-charge (whose name was Nixon Khokar, actually), behind the famous marble benches in the courtyard of St. Patricks High School during one of my regular GP bunks.

Leaning against the marble, the thought struck me that very little has been written and spoken on this important chapter of a student’s life. The literature on this commendable feat that we carry out numerous times a day is a little more than non-existent. And who would be a better person than a student to write on this art? Therefore, I present to you, the theory that explains to you, from every possible angle, the imperative part of a ‘normal’ student’s school day: The Bunk.

Bunking, mind you, is not an easy job. It brings with itself a considerable amount of responsibility to the poor student’s already burdened shoulders. You might be thinking how two contradictory concepts like ‘bunking’ and ‘responsibility’ link up. Once you have gone through my theory, however, you will clearly see how. Because there is a high risk-factor involved when you bunk, the act itself has to be conducted in a proper manner. Therefore, let us first establish the guidelines to this sacred task as the consequences of not getting it right, and getting caught in the process, can be disastrous.

The Guidelines:

• Always have a valid reason to bunk. (See: THE REASON)
• Never discourage any group or schoolmate from bunking.
• Try to get a ‘reasonable’ number of people to bunk along with you.
• Do NOT roam around the corridors or in front of the class during the bunk. Just because you are a fearless bastard doesn’t mean you can’t get suspended.
• If you are caught, don’t make promises that you will not bunk again. You will have to break them afterwards, and we don’t want that to happen, do we?
• If the whole class is caught bunking together, do NOT sell out the names of those who initiated the idea. This is immoral and might not be good for your health.
• Beware of the few sycophants (usually prefects) who can get you in trouble.
• Do NOT feel guilty. Ever.

Now, let’s go through the procedure. There are essentially two phases to bunking.

THE REASON: The most important task for a student is to find a valid reason to bunk. You can not just opt out of attending any class randomly. There HAS to be a reason. Not for the teacher or the dean, no! But a reason to lull your conscience when it bugs you about what you are doing. I once asked other bunkers around, their ‘reason’. Here are the most popular and the most amusing of replies:

• Fun: The most obvious reason. The lure of the activities that you could carry out while bunking is too tempting to stand. A chit-chat session with your buddies to discuss an important issue like the day before’s soccer match or to catch up on the latest gossip. Roaming around in search of a mufta. An hour of football or volleyball. Harassing the freshies (if you are a senior, ofcourse). And the list goes on. If classes were fun, why would any student waste the all-important attendance and bunk? VALID!

• Academics: My favourite reason for bunking a class. ‘This guy’s bonkers’, you must be thinking right now. How the hell can an anti-academic activity like bunking be beneficial for your academics? Well, here’s how. You bunk a class. You are now aware about what topics you have missed while those who have taken the confusing lecture are in oblivion about what they know and what they don’t know. You, on the other hand, know what you don’t know. According to a reliable philosopher who teaches at Pats, you, now, are better off than those who attended the class. Who doesn’t want an upper hand in the competitive academic atmosphere? See VALID!

• Fresh Air: The most common reply. Teachers of your great-grandfather’s age droning on with their boring lectures in congested classrooms. Add to that, the consecutive classes and Karachi’s unbearable heat-wave, and Pats has the perfect recipe to make you pass out. Get out. Get some fresh air. Health comes first. VALID!

• Teacher’s Attention: Getting ignored in class? Feeling like your raised hand has been overlooked one too many times or that your voice and your questions never reach the teacher’s ears? Bunk! Once. Twice. Thrice! You are guaranteed to get their attention. Problem solved. VALID!

Here are some other popular or amusing replies:

• Awesome weather.
• Undone assignments.
• Test preparation. (For the next class!)
• Sleep.
• Hunger or a need for caffeine.

These are just a few of the reasons. ‘Cooking’ one up is not really difficult when you really want to bunk. Remember, when there’s a will, there’s a way.

THE PROCEDURE: Once you have found your perfectly valid reason to bunk, you are ready for the second phase: the procedure. Yeah, this one’s simple. Start walking in the direction opposite to the one in which the nerds of your group are walking. If you have made the folly of going to the class, don’t fret. Get your grey cells working. If your teacher leaves the classroom, jump up, dash out and run like you are being paid for it. If they are bent on staying inside, then come up with a carefully-formulated excuse, relay it to them, leave, and never come back. Text a friend to get your belongings from the class when it’s over. Hard work, I must say, but it’s worth it.

There you have it. Your quintessential and totally free-of-cost (yeah, it’s true!) guide to bunking classes. Enjoy!