Pakistani Media (No, not Maya Khan)

Feb 6, 2012 by     4 Comments    Posted under: Cover Story

I solemnly swear that this article is not at all about Maya Khan nor it is inspired by her lousy fat ‘lady-like’ jogging-in-the-park habits. Actually it is more inspired by engineering. As more and more semesters pass by making me hate engineering more and more, I tend to think about alternative professions available for me. On one of such lonely nights (with the SMS package expired and also the credit) it dawned on me that Media, Pakistani media is the easiest profession to go in. If people like Maya Khan and Sahir Lodhi can get their own shows to talk shit and get paid for it, then why not me? Or why not you, remembering there is a certain Waqar Zaka too in this world.

Before I name some more morons, let’s take a quick review of what our electronic media telecasts. I have categorized the telecasts into following types:

  • Morning Shows (A source of inspiration for all fat females out there who want to be on T.V one day)
  • Talk Shows (Can’t say anything, I don’t watch them, do you?)
  • Bomb Shows (Make you fear a bomb is just about to explode in your bathroom)
  • Meraasi shows (Sorry I couldn’t think of any proper word for them in English)
  • Lame Drama shows (Note: this doesn’t include Humsafar <3.)

I can’t do morning shows since it is mandatory to be a married fat lady or an aged heroine to host one but still I can be their guest. All I would have to do is to flirt and dance with the old lady and I am really good at both. I can even try sitting two hours doing nothing except pouting my lips. So yeah I have a really good chance there!

The less said about the talk shows the better. I am afraid one day they will even talk about Zardari’s underwear and accuse him of being a traitor because it isn’t green and how Imran Khan wears lush green G-strings. Give our president some rest guys, I am bored.

Bomb shows, the easiest. You just have to repeat the number of people died and location over and over till the next bomb explodes somewhere else and you have to repeat the same procedure except changing the number of casualties and place. Pretty easy thing to do; and instant hot cake these days.

I just don’t understand what media gets by telecasting dance shows of five-year old children. Everyone knows these children, I mean dances have been choreographed to perfect and user votes are nothing but fake. And now search for next Atif and Rahat Ali Fateh Khan is also going on, as if Atif won a child singing competition when he was five! I don’t know him but I bet he didn’t even sing when he was a child. If he did, his parents would know better than to allow him to sing all his life and ruin the music world for eternity.

Drama titles are enough to prove my point. Forget Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and type, Pakistani T.V channels are way ahead than their counter parts. “Raani Beti Raaj Karay” and “Moor us Gali Ka” are just two of the long list of arbitrary names. I guess it’s the same as Chinese people name their children, blindfold director/producer is asked to read one line from a romantic digest and story is written by the … I don’t have any idea who can write such pathetic stories. Can’t say anything about Humsafar though, my girlfriend (like everyone else’s girlfriend) watches it. Fuck my life.

So what do you think people? If you are too fed up from studies like me, let’s partner up and start our own show or drama. We will kill our minds and soul and execute the same procedures mentioned above. Or else, if we tried to be creative or use common sense, the show would be a flop.

The Author

Fahaad Humayun is a football fanatic. He loves writing, playing football and following each and every sport. A die hard Man Utd fan, his aim is to bury Man City in world's finest riches of Poopy where they belong. Enjoy reading :p You can follow him on twitter @ fahaadhumayun

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4 Comments + Add Comment

  • Lol funny yet completely true.
    and the best part (sadly) was “Or else, if we tried to be creative or use common sense, the show would be a flop.”
    Nice work.

  • very well done!

  • Funny and full of Satire. ;) Brilliantly accomplished. And drama banao toh meine bhi ana hai :D

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